Provoked and Hurt.
When we talk about Gender Equality, let us mean it. Lets us have a balance in law by having something that takes care of the misuse of law loopholes that leads to exploitation of a husband. Else more and more husbands may have their own hopeless verdicts that may be a lose lose situation. Can't Pretend Sleep after such precedences.
The unfortunate case of the failed saptapadi between Amit Buddiraja and Rinku has not failed to take anyones attention. But, I do not wish to comment on an individual but would definitely comment on the attitude that has been prevailing at large on this event.
Amit was intelligent and hence was in infosys. This company is still among the most preferred employers who ranked 2nd among the top 10 in HR and pushed to 8th only because of new entrants. So one cannot push this matter to work load. Shall we call it wife load, I think only if there was a law for males this would have been avoided. I remember 2 more cases one was of a hyderabadi software engineer who said he wanted to live but was found dead with his wife’s body embraced with and a long dying declaration. Then came the police constable who was questioned by a mahila mandal, later ended self and his wife. (Anyone having details of these cases may write to me personally). And finally the unfortunate case of Shivani Bhatnagar. Well not that of a husband and wife but involved adultery by wife too and also blackmail and a relationship.
In such cases, People say that the husband was Mad but I think he was Mad for his wife and when he must not have got the same reciprocation he got mad at her instead of being mad for her. What is not noticed and criticized is the fact that his wife gave him and idea of killing him just in case if he is found to be infidel. Why share a relation with a tisra and hide it from the husband till he discovers? Can’t such sacrifices be done? If he was a friend why was it kept secret from husband till he discovered? Ok if he was aware and did not like his presence between two of them then did he ask for too much, by asking her to quit this relation?
Its time to take a deeper look at the causes before we look at the effects. Its time we look at equating the options to the spouse at the broader level rather than making it a male female centric law.
Infact such husbands are not alone, only if they learn to speak up with like minded victims. Times are changing and have changed a great deal in past 3 years. Yes one need to make sure that the person is a confidant. Save Indian Family does have such counseling sessions where husbands do get emotionally naked, unlike few years back.
If he was diagnosed to be complex it must be understood that attachment makes one like that. Just imagine how a mother losing a child suffers, its all about attachment relationship which is underestimated by virtue of a male thing. You make a person drink heavily and check his blood for alcohol the traces would be there, you cannot blame a person to be complex when he is put in a situation against his will. Similarly an emotionally hurt person is diagnosed post or during trauma would show stress symptoms. So let us find the cause before we analyse the effect. Not to give read card without knowing the cause. Also the uncanny feeling of being caught up in a viscous circle is very common among husbands where they know they are being cheated, but cannot do anything and further to add insult to the injury they are labeled as oppressors and slapped with a non compoundable offence based on a story.
Law too is behaving indifferently towards this. And so are the ones who can bring about change. They talk about making adultery as a civil offence with such motherhood statements the courts would also go slow thus leaving a pining husband hopeless, further the fear of being looped in false case would make him more apprehensive and watch the wife’s behaviour as a dead end. As some days back the courts announced that non compoundable means what it is meant for. I can relate to what he must have undergone. Yesterday a victim called me and told me about how his wife has challanged the hefty maintainance order as in sufficient in the High Court, and tells him that she is looking out for a better husband from abroad once that is done she will set him free. And on spotting him in the HC on the first hearing she did whisper to him "Welcome to High Court". Now is that entertaining?
If a girl was in a similar situation and would have caught her husband doing what a wife does to a victim husband, girl has following options
1) File a DV
2) Get adverse media coverage
3) Public sympathy
4) Get a 498a threat or actually do it.
5) Negotiate the alimony
6) Kill the husband in the name of atrocities and before could kill self would encounter the situations that would evade the suicide and call it as a new life like the noble prize winner.
Being a boy he had no Option.
How would have people reacted if guys like amit were a wife
1) Admire him openly for killing a non obiedent husband more approprietly called as the oppressor.
2) Would have got invitied to various social functions to deliver lectures on killing the so called pest.
3) Would have been a chief consultant to a director who would be making an award movie on lines of provoked.
4) Would have spoken of rights that shadow responsibilities.
5) People would have sms-ed and ensured that the sympathy and polls both favor the wife.
Now when husband discovers a wife of infidelity and starts exploring to know his rights he will discover
1) He can punish only the male with whom wife is indulged in to adultery and not the wife. Section 497 of IPC. Plus strong proof would be needed unlike 498a.
2) There is no provision to get any criminal complaint recorded on wife.
3) He will have to provide maintenance till sections 198(b) is invoked which is also under consideration after girijaji’s comment.
4) He may have to face a DV where he is not allowed to interfere in the terrority of his house where wife is living and she may enjoy there with her boy friend who may be called as bodyguard (a well known case in Ahmedabad).
I do not support such systems where there are fail safe methods of misuse, to provoke males and make them walk in to trap of crime. Coz sometimes they could boomerang on the spider who spun the web. Finally a lose lose and no domestic harmony.
I fear the worst is yet to come, its high time that males too have some legal options that are concerned with male exploitation, then lots of families would be saved.
Something Needs to be done.
posted by IndianHusbands | 10:09 PM
12 Comments:
Hey Jinesh, very thought provoking article made beautifully. Keep going.
These gender biased laws are framed by failed women in life. They have psychological problems and are expressing their frustration by weaving a web to trap men and strangle them. If we observer any of the gender specific laws drafted and passed you will see there is no scope left for the husband to come out of it. Husband is punished with non-bailable warrant and locked up even before the guilt is proved.
How can a normal man/woman draft such laws. These are drafted by criminal women and passed with the help of feminist sonia maino.
The sad part is the traitors who drafted and proposed such laws go unpunished.
Its ob
Good one Jinesh.
Terrorists and nexalites are not born but when innocent people gets harrassed and punished by such biased laws, one out of hundred takes the law in his/her hands and gets branded as terrorist.
Jinesh, it is nice that you are back with your pen. We all were waiting for it.
As far as Amit is concerned. I personally think that by killing his wife he has done good job atleast for his family as everyone knows about 498a misuse and stupid judiciary.
I am sure this types of cases will increase where men will not be having anyother option except to kill (potential)legal terrorist to protect mothers and sisters.
It is the basic nature of men to protect women and I am sure men can go upto any extent to protect, they can even kill.
They should kill.
Jinesh,
Very nicely written article. Rather thought provoking. Keep it up.
SIF Member,
Virag.
From Ankush:
A lot has been written in Indian newspapers, some of which, too disgusting and painful to comprehend. I will start my discussion with sharing the facts of Rinkus life written by her close friend from Bangalore (Being anonymous was this individuals choice and I respect it, I cannot however thank this individual enough for being there for Rinku in her time of need).
Also to all reading this please ask yourself this question IS PERCEIVED INFEDILITY ANY JUSTIFICATION FOR MURDER. FOR THAT MATTER DOES ANYTHING JUSTIFY MURDER. We gave our Daughter/ Sister to this individual to build a life with and take care of, we believed in his integrity, his promise to be by her side at all times. If we had any inclination of his demonic mind we could have rather had her be by our side and not married in the first place.
I can’t believe me and dad took her hand and handed it to this monster. And also stop this stupidity of saying we would have gone after the Dowry allegation, LET ME BE VERY CLEAR ON THIS we would not have got our daughter/ sister married to a family asking dowry. That’s insulting in today’s day an age. Trust me if some one was to ask our family for dowry we would KICK BUTT, please don’t insult us, let alone give our daughter to such a family.
Also I cant believe that Amit’s Sister (Nidhi) is stating that she had no idea of these issues when RINKU CALLED HER UP COUPLE OF WEEKS ago asking for help. Anyways lets start with this first, and if I see this going in the way of being insulting or I receive stupid comments, I guess its the last you are hearing from me and the Family. I do also want to point out that we plan to do something social about women who are living a married life similar to that of Rinku and suffering. So lets start with this, and please be polite in your questions as this is my Dear Beloved Sister you will be talking about, getting nasty with someone is an easy trait, being polite is tough, so tread the road of being humble and polite with your questions. The letter begins:
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Rinku as I knew her
I met Rinku around June last year. We started meeting up on a regular basis and soon became very close friends. Meeting each other on a more or less daily basis we soon started confiding everything about our lives in each other.
She had already started to have problems in her marriage with Amit by then. Rinku was beautiful, confident, an out and out extrovert and doing excellently in her career. She was a warm, vivacious and ever optimistic person, very caring and affectionate by nature. Amit was an introvert, bordering on being chauvinistic and egoistical by nature. They never had major fights but had minor disagreements on a regular basis, mostly sparked by their completely contrasting personalities. Rinku being a strong independent woman had her viewpoint about things which irked him because he probably was hoping for a wife who while being great arm candy when he socialized would be more submissive at home and accept his decisions on house, car and other decisions of everyday life etc. without questioning him or giving her opinion on it.
It was one day when she had taken him with her to her official party that they ended up disagreeing on something and he left her stranded at the party late in the night and went off in their car, refusing to take her home with him. It was at this time that she was crying and wondering what to do next that her colleague came forward and offered to drop her home. In her state of distress she confided in him about her marital problems and the fact that all was not well with her marriage. Since that day he became her friend and confidant in office, who was there to give her a shoulder to cry on when things went wrong which was happening on a more or less regular basis. Having come to Bangalore after her marriage, she had no close friends in the city who she could confide in and she needed to speak to someone to clear her mind and decide how to take things forward. Till her last day, he remained that friend and confidant. There NEVER was a question of him being anything else. The rapport they shared was one of strong friendship and sympathy for her plight. His parents were any case looking out for a suitable match for him and he was supposed to get married by July this year. She would talk to him about her troubles and he in turn would advise her and also tell her all about the prospective marriage candidates he was being shown and ask her opinion on them, whether they sounded promising and should he go ahead and say yes to any. If that fight had not taken place in front of her colleague, she would never have started confiding in him in the first place.
On Amit’s birthday, Rinku planned flowers, cake and gifts at midnight and took him to out to dinner the next day. Ten minutes before midnight on her birthday he got into an argument with her about her dressing style. He criticized her wardrobe very rudely and then refused to apologise or make up with her when she started crying. They went o bed fighting and he did not plan anything for her the next morning either. After her work in the evening, she begged him to forget the fight and join her for dinner at a restaurant. He came in a very aloof manner and fought with her again while leaving the restaurant.
Rinku always believed in talking things out in case of an argument and moving on from there whereas Amit would just stop talking for several days in a row. This made her very unhappy. She would always be the first person to go ahead and make up with him after a fight even when she wasn’t at fault as she believed that with just two people living in a house, it was extremely unpleasant to live together day after day without talking.
During one such fight, Amit got a phone call. It was from some friend he had not heard from in sometime. He started talking to him ignoring Rinku who was in the middle of a heated discussion with him. When she asked him to at least resolve matters with her first without callously moving on to other things he got upset that his friend might have overheard and came forward and slapped her across her face. He NEVER apologized for that act either then or later.
During their numerous fights, NEVER did he bring up his suspicions of an extramarital affair at any point of time. Being basically of a suspicious and possessive nature, he sometimes used to check Rinku’s messages behind her back. She had come to realize this and had told him that if any point he wanted to know who she was communicating with, he just had to ask her. She requested him to not go behind her back but see her cell if he needed to in front of her. She wanted to be treated with the same trust and space she gave him.
Similarly, one day she mentioned how Amit was aware of all her investments, bank accounts etc. but had never told her about his. He found Rinku inquisitive when she asked such questions but all Rinku wanted was an open and honest marriage based on communication and trust.
In December last year they went to Mumbai to visit Rinku’s parents. Though they had planned this trip several months in advance, Amit sulked about going as he wanted to go to Delhi to his parents (which they were doing in January anyways). While there, he walked out from the room rudely once when Rinku’s mother was talking to him, slamming the door behind him just because he was in a bad mood. He also made last minute plans to meet his friends there without telling Rinku who he was meeting and how long he would be out, even when he knew that she had made plans for the two of them with her parents and relatives for that same time. One of Rinku’s biggest grievances with him was that he did not give her parents and family the same kind of respect and understanding that he wanted her to show his parents and this was always a point of conflict between them. Two days after returning to Bangalore, he suddenly stopped talking to her altogether though they hadn’t fought recently. After five days of silence with her pleading with him everyday during this time to tell her what was wrong, he said that he was not sure and he had to figure out some things first. He never gave his reasons even later when things went back to normal gradually and she was left wondering about his sudden spurts of silence.
Another point of conflict was that he did not give importance to her career and expected her to move with him out of Bangalore at the drop of a hat if he changed jobs; without even consulting her first about it. She was doing very well in her job and expected his support as far as her career went as she was sharing all household and other expenses with him including those for the new flat they had bought and furnished together.
Early February she decided to see a marriage counselor as a last resort to save her marriage as she had become completely drained from their daily fights about minor everyday things always followed by days of silence from his side. She was hoping that at least in front of the counselor he would open up enough to tell her his issues with her so they could talk things out.
I know for a fact that at the marriage counselor’s, different issues mentioned above were brought forth by him but there was not even a passing mention of him suspecting an extramarital affair. If it was preying on his mind to the point that he murdered her for it, how is it that he did not feel the need to even mention it once in front of the counselor? They visited the counselor on a Saturday evening. They were then asked to come back the next weekend and in the meantime advised to go out for lunches, dinners, movies etc. where they could just hang out and have fun without discussing any of their differences.
Saturday he didn’t speak to her, neither on Sunday even though she suggested several trips outside. Sunday night he invited her to the bedroom and when she refused on grounds of the fact that if there was no emotional bond between them then she couldn’t resort to physical intimacy, he got extremely upset and asked for a divorce. By then she had become completely disillusioned as she felt that her requirement in his life was not for companionship but for cooking and giving him company in bed and thus readily agreed.
The next day she went to the Gurudwara after work and silently cried there for everything that had gone wrong. When she went home that night, he told her that he had behaved impulsively the previous night and asked her to reconsider the divorce. She wanted to save the marriage if possible and agreed. She had by then told her parents about her marital problems and decided to go for a few days to them to personally let them know that she was planning to work on it as she knew how worried they would be about her. During the 5 days she was there, Amit neither called nor messaged though he knew that she had gone through problems at the airport with her visa etc. She had a difficult time trying to get in touch with him and he finally responded to her calls. They spoke only twice during her time there.
She came back to Bangalore with the intention of working on her marriage but though he had promised to be more communicative and make an effort from his side too, within few weeks she realized that they were back to their daily arguments and there wasn’t much change in his attitude. She carried on nevertheless till about 2 weeks before her death when she finally realized that the best thing for them both would be to move on instead of compromising on their happiness on a daily basis. She told him that it would be best to separate and he agreed. Amit told her that he was looking at job options overseas and would probably move abroad in a few months time. It was then that she requested him to move out of their present house to their Sarjapur flat as it would be closer to his workplace. She wanted to continue living there as being fairly new to the city and having to stay alone thereon she wanted to be in a locality she had become familiar with and also as she knew she could go to the landlord in times of trouble as she was on very good terms with his family and they were extremely helpful people.
One of the things she mentioned 3 days before her death was ‘After all when you have lived with someone for one and a half years and that too someone you have loved, there is a bond that forms that can’t go just because of disagreements. I know if I have decided to get out, I should do it soon but I’ve been dragging it and am still confused about my decision as I can’t make myself hate him. I still care about him…” Till he decided to move out of that house, she also continued staying with him as she felt that with both of them working, they could discuss how to take the divorce forward only when they met in the evenings. At the same time, she said that since she had to cook dinner for herself anyways, she could also take care of his food at least as long as they were still living together as it would be inconvenient for him to eat out everyday.
There was NEVER any question of an affair and she trusted him blindly and so continued living with him even after they had decided to separate. He took advantage of this blind trust and made her pay with her life for something she didn’t ever do. Amit not only cold bloodedly killed her but also maligned her even in death!!! As one of her closest friends, I want to make it clear to everyone that Rinku cared about Amit till the last day. He was the ONLY man she loved. Being an independent woman of the 21st century, she decided to opt out of a bad marriage but ONLY because they were not getting along together… NOT FOR ANY OTHER REASON!!!!
***
Dear Friend,
Thanks for the comment.
I am running short of time as of now but would read it later and reply to you.
I am sure, only if guys had equal legal options they would have seeked help just like the women do, rather than committing a barbaric act.
People will talk and we cannot stop that. We have been trying to tell people that yes there are innocent husbands too but they too do not listen and come up with conclusions that soothe them. Hence I understand what it means to be misinterpreted.
But this blog is here to talk about possible solutions that could avoid more such mishaps.
In Prayers.
Fom Ankush
Jinesh, some comments I came across on rakshakfoundation.org to prevent misuse of anti dowry, some good suggestions:
The following are our suggestions regarding this issue, to prevent innocents from
being harassed while delivering justice to true victims.
1. Stringent punishments for abusers of law – Punishment for misusing this strict law should be equally stringent. Severe penalties must be imposed on all the complainants for false complaint under this law.
2. The law should be made bailable compoundable and non cognizable, as has been recommended by multiple judges
a. ‘The Malimath Committee’ on Reforms of Criminal Justice System, 2003 (Refer
Para 16.4 Report)
b. Delhi High Court Judgement R 462/2002, 19.05.2003, Savitri Devi Vs. Ramesh
Chand and Ors.
3. Time bound Trial should be made a statutory requirement. It is suggested
that a 6 month maximum limit should be specified by the Law.
4. No Arrests unless absolutely necessary - An arrest on a criminal charge
has grave consequences - social, mental and financial, for the individual. Unless
there is irrefutable evidence to suggest physical torture, no arrests should be made.
5. The final decision of arrest should be taken by an Authority not less than the
Superintendent of Police of the District who too should have general instructions to
apply his mind judiciously in each individual case on its merits and then pass
suitable order(s) in writing.
6. Exclude arrests of Senior citizens, minors (children below the age of 18),
pregnant women and people requiring medical attention.
7. No provision for including extended family members in the
complaint without prima facie evidence.
8. A thorough Investigation shoud be conducted and the accused
should not be presumed guilty - The cardinal principle of criminal liability
which is in vogue and prevalent the world over all through. The accused must be
presumed to be innocent unless proved guilty by the cogent and reliable evidence
beyond all reasonable and probable doubts.
9. Gender Neutrality – All laws should endeavor to punish the guilty and protect
the innocent, irrespective of the gender. We stress that the gender specific words
like “husband” and “wife” be replaced by gender-neutral words like “spouse”.
10. Mechanism for post-implementation evaluation - Section 498A IPC
was enacted in 1983 i.e. 23 years ago. No post-implementation feedback is available
with the government to show whether the Section 498A IPC has in fact been
successful in its proposed intent.
Dear Ankush,
Thank You for reiterating our Demands and Suggestions.
more on my blog.
www.saveindianfamily.org
www.mynation.net
www.498a.org
www.protectindianfamily.org
www.forgottenwomen.org
www.savefamilyforum.org
nice blog man!
have read a few posts....
keep it up
Thanks Tulip,
Keep visiting and keep commenting. and do allow me to visit your blog as well.
I indeed agree with every word of a thought provoking article.Women can say anything they want.They even might not work.Even under constant verbal abuse if a husband slaps her which is a natural response to such uncivilized behavior,he is constantly reminded of at every possible opportunity like he had committed a heinous crime instead of them mending their own ways.I strongly object to misuse of article 498 and am suffering because of the safety net it provides to these criminal minded women.If there is a case in which man is involved ,he has to be given a fair trial before putting them behind bars else limited option left for our society to disintegrate.Anyway even if men are put behind bars,its still a heaven from them as they are no longer with their nagging companions.I would definitely seek better quality of life of jail had I not have thought of my kid and family members on mind..Although I appreciate programme like App Ki Kachehri are doing good for larger section but I would appreciate if they take into consideration this angle as well.
What equality you are talking about?
why alimony-u are independent ,earn and eat on your own or u are independent only in terms of nagging and verbal abusing becoz thats what you can do and not physical abuse not out of your own choice but out of something you are born with otherwise you would have crossed that limit too.
I stress the point verbal and mental abuse is thousand times stronger than physical abuse which just happena s a result of it
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