On the lines of the model Nikaah Nama.

Bismillah-e-rehman-e-rahim-As-salaam-valekum.

Well I have been interacting on Islam with 'Naushad' a very close colleague of mine who happens to be a Muslim but looks at other religions with some unexpected tolerance. He condemns the triple talaq in sleep and under the influence of liquor. He looks forward to convert a non muslim to a muslim. And he displays extreme patience and acceptance of other religious points of view, but on certain beliefs he is a pure muslim. Meanwhile somedays back on helpline I attended Yousuf, a pure Muslim too who could have done the triple talaq, but respects the Indian constitution too, was quite evidently, finally, falsely charged with 498a by his wife last month.

Meanwhile, Rakhee Sister of mine Tasneem who calls me bhai tells me about the vulnerability of Muslim women in this institution of marriage, She used to quote the helpless state of her aunt who is with a souten (her husband’s 2nd wife). And therefore I used lure her to become Tulsi from Tasneem on every rakhi :-) Jokes... well not exactly....

And my wonderful friend who is a hindu vaishnav but has married to her long time love, then a moderate muslim and now a fanatic. She shares her heart out of her insecurities on her hindu practices of chanting Gayatri Mantra and her hubby now oppossing the same, especially after a kid, she fears that her dissapproving husband might get a second wife of a Muslim family, while she is still his wife as Islam permits that.

While all of them agree that my plight of 498a is valid, I too agree the plights of these women who know what 498a is, but won’t use it. I have been seriously wondering on the extreme laws, permutations and imbalance of women's freedom in the same society, I Feel it is more or less jumbled up on all strata’s leading us practically nowhere. Rather we get more complex and jumbled conclusions that we perceive as solutions. This calls for a desperate need of "Uniform Civil Code."

Well, but I have read a practical solution to the triple talaq problem and certain regulations of the otherwise much more practical Islam that has Meher and also does not rule out Talaq. That also has a right of the property attached to the girl child too. Hats off on certain issues.

Insha Allah, The practical solution as I have been reading is a “model-nikaah-nama” that will have some amendments on those issues that are cleverly misused. And another practical solution suggested to this is involving the Victm Muslim women or almost victims who have been victimised, they would best know in what way they have been victimized and possibly could lead to solutions to those issues. That would be the optimum way to reach solution. Ask the patient what are the side effects and bring about relevant amendments that works out a win:win.

Similary how about involving the 498a victims in reframing the 498a law that takes care of the vulnerable women and at the same time cannot be misused, it should not blindly punish the accused that also involves many innocent victims these days and by the time they are proven innocent the moral, financial and ethical damage is already done by compulsory arrests of the parents, siblings husband without investigation. And are so exhausted that after acquittal they prefer to get rid of the surpanakha rather than fighting back.

As they lose the moral, and the primary objective of all these communications is to appeal to the conscience of the well-meaning members of the society and remind and reestablish to all of us of the fundamental concept of the legal jurisprudence that thousand guilty men may escape the clutches of law but one innocent man should not get punished for a crime he has never committed. Malimath committee under NDA regime had attempted reforms but in vain, now that more and more misuse is getting proven, Malimath committe should be reappointed and the IPC section 498a be re-drafted or and antidote for misusers be reintroduced, since misuse has become more and more common.

Your thoughts….

Khuda Hafiz,

Jinesh Zaveri.

Mere Pass Maa Hai

Dearest Mummy,

I was born when you were 36, your late child :-). And my marriage had made me your late child otherwise, almost dead (chuckle). I know how I have survived. Rather you know how we did. And since I was born quite late after bade bhaiya’s arrival I felt that I have missed real good time with you as compared to him and will always feel.

In bhajans to Amba mata Bhaktraj Shri Amichand Writes...
“Nav mas rahyo garbh vass maa,
Pratham Janani ne didhu dukh”
(which means i have been in the womb for 9 months and 1st thing that I have caused you is pain, during my birth, while I was born and right from that day..) But you never would sing your own praises and would never complain.

Mom you are so nice, you have never felt bad about anything, you have been so unconditional. You have been so adjusting. You have been so punctual for me. Your pallu was my refuge. No doubt it still is, though may not be in literal terms but you are my obvious resort. I have vented my frustration on you, have told you so many things which I could have avoided. But you have been one sponge who soaked it all. You were not even a grad but you ensured on what I studied. I have not been as intelligent and successful as bade bhaiya but you never discriminated.

I have not been brave enough and I tried to please someone’s erratic demands from time to time, I pretended to be henpecked and blind (may be I was) and supported to drive you out of “your” house for some days with dad just because she wanted privacy in your flat big enough to accommodate 3 families, that she wanted to claim as hers. Not only sportingly you went, but you were always there for her when she was sick, to apply oil to her head and what not. Our neighbors in the new society believed that I was the son in law and she was the daughter. And some even thought that we were siblings born to you. You never bothered about her atrocities on you.

We also discovered that you were being ridiculed in front of her friends and she also had lied to us including to you many a times. But you had always been protective about her and forgiving, though she treated you differently in my absence. It is just because you have heart of a mom. But at the end you got muck, but in the interest of my relation you kept quite rather smiling.

My friends Umesh and Neena who were not as fortunate as me, they used to come home to meet you and not me, as Umesh found his mom in you who was away at his native and Neena who used to call you maa as she missed her Mom who is not in this world with her.

Not only you were strong but you have been the strength of dad and this family. I have been more like dad and hence when in college days I was asked in personality contest by the judge that what was my 1st choice Mom or Dad? I replied since I am more like my dad, my choice too would coincide like his and I would therefore prefer Mom. I mean it.

As per your instructions and principles I have been socially active, we launched free helpline for helping families 9224335577. We have also been active in field. You take care of your health.

As far as her threats, non co-operation and alimony settlement is concerned I am sure god will arrange for that too. I have your blood and principles in me, I would not beg in front of anyone and will not allow you too to suffer. I will settle everything and I would come out of it, because “Mere pass maa hai". Its time for me to pamper you, You deserve it.

Happy Mothers day to you.

I love you Mom,

Your Son.

I Brand thee as Man and Wife

Ahhh!!! Look at that.

.

No!!! I know you would say those are the latest Stress Bursting Toys Branded as “rattle snake sound eggs”. (Based on the principle of Magnetism when thrown up in the air with some mutual distance opposite poles would attract each other producing a sound and the nearest similar pole would also repel thus causing the sound of rattling. If you catch it they come stuck together in your hand and if you miss the catch then they fall down parting very badly) So much similar to a marriage. Isn’t It?

Coming back to the picture I would call it a perfect wedding picture revealing made-for-each-other, stuck to each other. Just Imagine if this was the wedding picture, the priest must have said “And I pronounce you Man and Wife, Gentleman You may kiss the bride”.

And there they went on to rattle, clang, bang and jangle.

And since the function and operation of these two in reality is to rattle, clang, bang and jangle, well, good to the ears of the public (society) at the cost of friction within like almost every marriage. And hence I would Brand them as man and wife. Stress buster for the world who throws them up and enjoy the sound, but self buster because of clashes.

But the brighter sides are they are stuck too. I think they should be branded something like “Man and Wife”, “Husband-Wife”, “Miya Biwi”, Pati-Patni types. It would be more appropriate by the virtue of their nature.

On the lighter side,

Jinesh Zaveri.

Kuch to Log kahenge

Some days back I had attended one engagement party of my very close Maharashtrian colleague. I claim the privilege to convert this feminist to a humanist. I was confronted by her initially with the same concept of your-side-of-the-story but time healed things.

She was suffering from the mob psychology that prevails on a budding lady who has never seen the other gender from a different angle who gets carried away with the wave to support women at the cost of putting down the other gender and blindly support someone by virtue of gender congruency. But she is the same person who later became one of my major strengths in my team.

Not only she proved to be an efficient colleague but she from her side tried her best to put me to a spiritual guru, TV Journo and what not when she realized my problem. Well but now let us talk about the topic that I would be discussing in this post.

During the party since I was stranger to almost all, I was all the more keenly observing all the people around. I encountered some newly wed couples and some in courtship out there. I could experience a compassionate smile on my face as I kept on Looking at those couples as a match made in heaven and made for each other. All those Jineshes were crazy for their girls and so were the girls madly in love with their guys. Like Shobha De says, I could imagine each couple actually in bed making love to each other intimately, kissing passionately, and link the same bond with their intimacy now in the hall. Touch wood.

Suddenly for a second I started missing that status of the couple. My feelings only got accelerated. I crossed my legs and one of my folded hand started to reach my forehead. But suddenly as usual resilience stuck inside me. It reminded me of the genuine efforts to save my relation and genuine reasons to let it go off.

The thought process went on in my mind that bought me to realities too than fantasies. After the bed scene I could also imagine them, like everyone else fighting on petty matters posed by ego as a hurdle. And I realized that this thought is no fantasy and that was the ultimate reality that happens with each couple. And I only wished that my thoughts on them fighting are proven wrong.

But I also saw the not-so-newly-wed-couples and now I could suspect their smiles, were they genuine smiles or plastic? Like most of the couples who have been exposed to have faked their love in front of the junta who later only discovers how much they hate each other. Since I have been single from past 26+ months now, I have come across so many of them comfortable with me on this topic and confessing to me their discomfort with the married status. It is only then the fear of social pressure that keeps them intact, otherwise they are unhappy. Some of them even envying me.

Now, my resilience told me that yes you could have enjoyed a companionship of a wife tonight but it would have lasted only for the party that comes once in a while may be in 6 months or a year. And as once one reaches home the pretension fades away reality captures the aura. And the negative vibes retires from back seat and takes over. This event of public intimacy will now be only in display on next occasion till then a refrain.

For many couples such parties are there once in a while where you may require to rat race as a couple with others and get a mental satisfaction of 2 hours where peoples testimonial of a good couple counts, where the couple flaunt each other. But in the back end you land up paying premium to this by tolerating each other with irretrievable differences for years together back home. In that case does that testimony matters? How far and where does it take both the parties who form a couple and are not ready to come to terms.

On the contrary I did feel that I was happy otherwise after separation and wished the same for the estranged half. There was peace otherwise in the back of my mind and back home. And with my kind of fate in marriage I think…
(a.) I have to arguably suffer only in such parties for 2 hrs and have peace of mind back home for the rest of the year till next party comes, as compared to…
(b.) arguably enjoy in such parties and then reach home with a stale relationship tired with a plastic smile. Whatever be the reason and who so ever is at fault.

I read somewhere Q: What is the most dramatic loss experienced in a new marriage? A: The idealized image you have of your partner." Which I think is very scary and in cases similar to mine such feeling which is still on mind of the other half. Who also meditates on what was lacking rather than what is there. Thus, leaving all others as spectators of the demonstrations of things like bouts of frustration and depression, suicide threat, Threat of Police, 306, and 498a, blaming and then curfew and then being held captive, etc. One day this, other day that, the something new and then something that was old and forgotten then both trying to improve each other and then in some cases the couples also compete in who is improving better and getting better and then again a fight and so on… gosh….enough. Then call neighbors to intervene or relatives to referee. At least all this is missing for good.

So, in cases of fates like mine where things went far off and tangent very frequently, and since there are no kids. Then, It is better to be alone and enjoy life, free from a constant duty of desperately impressing someone and striving to be a good spouse as hard as maintaining ISO and getting certified, pacing to prove your worth without a break, since you are on a constant audit. An unconditional love is a rarity.

But then comes the questions in mind that what would people think, say and talk about me.

• May be that he is at fault and hence never got settled.
• Or may be he is having some-problem of impotency, you-know-what-I-mean? It was nice of the girl to have kept quite or not done anything.
• May be he is a gay
• May be he is having a secret affair.
• Divorce nahi hua, jawani aur kitne din? Tu settle kab hoga.

... and many other...

And to prove all these wrong thinkers wrong, should I get in to something that did not worked out just to keep their mouths shut and be called as a couple in a once-in-a-while party? The conscience said No! Never!!! Kuch to log Kahenge, logon ka kaam hai kehna. But, you live your life. Be alive and Come alive. If the grapes are really sour then you may choose not to have it.

More Importantly, Main Zinda Hoon. And I choose to be happy.

Jinesh Zaveri.